On a bleak and bitterly cold February afternoon, Ryan Gehman leaves campus for a run, heading south toward one of Harrisonburg鈥檚 city parks. Dirty snowbanks line the streets and a stinging wind blasts him in the face. He鈥檚 been looking forward to this moment all day.
Gehman, a senior kinesiology major, looks forward to running every day. When he鈥檚 running, he feels free, happy, at ease in a way that he often isn鈥檛. Diagnosed with Asperger鈥檚 syndrome at age 4, Gehman has dealt with severe anxiety his entire life. Sometimes he can hardly make it out the door of his room. Sometimes he sits himself in the chair in Coach鈥檚 office to ride out another panic attack. Sometimes Gehman thinks that if he could just run all day, every day, that would keep things under control. But his homework won鈥檛 do itself, and he has classes to attend and all sorts of other basic life things that make that impractical.
He describes living with Asperger鈥檚 as follows: most people have buckets to hold all the little stresses and details and things that daily life throws at them. On stressful days when enough of those little things collect, the bucket overflows and the carrier is overwhelmed. Gehman has a thimble instead of a bucket. It gets full quick. When he was younger, full-blown panic attacks struck every day, leaving him breathless, terrified, stuck in place. Though he鈥檚 gotten better at fending them off, they鈥檙e never far away.
When he runs, it鈥檚 a different story. He has a bucket and it all feels easier.
‘Good but not great’ at first
Gehman was 13 the first time he went for a run 鈥� one mile from his house to the high school nearby, and one mile back. His parents made him take a walkie-talkie just in case. He didn鈥檛 need it. When he was 14, his family hosted a guest who was training for a marathon. Gehman cinched on his Velcro-strap shoes, tagged along with the guy for seven miles and was hooked.
For the next four years, he was a good but not great high school runner. After graduating from (earlier, he鈥檇 also attended a public high school), he put in another year of good but not great running at and then, transferred to Montreat College in western North Carolina. His coach there was more of a zealot for hard training and high mileage, and Gehman responded well. He qualified for the NAIA national cross country meet. In indoor track, he ran a 16:12 5k 鈥� not jaw-dropping, but certainly not pedestrian.
While Gehman鈥檚 running was going better than ever, managing his anxiety wasn鈥檛. Transferring to EMU, he found a more supportive environment on the track and cross-country teams for which Lewkowicz had set the expectation that 鈥渢here鈥檚 a shared responsibility to care for one another.鈥�
Lewkowicz was one of his earliest and biggest supporters. Lately, his teammates have become more and more important. Not that the thimble isn鈥檛 a problem anymore. It鈥檚 been a hard and anxious winter for Gehman. When things aren鈥檛 going well, sometimes there isn鈥檛 anything his teammates can say to fix things. What they can do, said Hannah Chappell-Dick, a standout runner on the women鈥檚 team who has qualified for nationals in both cross-country and track, is simply be present, be there, with and for him. And so that鈥檚 what they鈥檝e done.
Overcoming anxiety and dropping time
Gehman鈥檚 performances have continued to improve. In his junior cross-country season, he made the All-Region team and barely missed qualifying for the NCAA D-III national meet. On the track the next spring, he dropped his 5k time down to 15:26. Back in cross-country last fall, he lowered his 8k personal-best to an elite 24:15 that left his good-but-not-great past in the dust. At the South/Southeast Regional meet, he took first place among the 200 best D-III runners between Virginia and Texas. It was the best race of his life. His teammates cried.
鈥淚t鈥檚 powerful to see people overcome things, and Ryan has done a lot of that this year,鈥� said Chappell-Dick.
(On the NCAA race course the following week, Gehman felt like circuit breakers tripped inside him during the wild, stampeding chaos of the first half-mile. He finished in 237th place, more than two minutes off his best time.)
It has been a tough and injury-plagued winter, and Gehman sat out the conference championship on March 1. But in January, he ran a very promising indoor 5k in 15:49. He鈥檚 logging miles and building up a base. He will approach outdoor track with his usual determination.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know that I鈥檝e ever coached anyone who works as hard as he does,鈥� said Lewkowicz.
Sharing his hard work
Hard work is part of any good distance runner鈥檚 life. In Gehman鈥檚 case, though, the hard physical work of training follows the heavy emotional lifting it sometimes takes just to lace up his shoes and show up at practice. He works hard in order to work hard.
After graduation, Gehman plans to race longer distances 鈥� half-marathons, marathons. His biggest love is for the quiet and calm of trail running. He thinks he鈥檒l try to go pro. When Coach Lewkowicz lets him, he criss-crosses the rocky slopes of Massanutten Mountain with Dan Nafziger 鈥�13, an admissions counselor who qualified for the national cross-country meet in 2011.
Since emerging as a top-flight runner, Gehman has begun tackling another difficult challenge: talking about the obstacles he鈥檚 overcome. It hasn鈥檛 come easy, but then again, lots of things haven鈥檛 come easy for him. And perhaps, he figured, his story could inspire others who face similar challenges.
Last year, with the encouragement of Lewkowicz and the athletics department, he gave an interview to the local TV station about his life with Asperger鈥檚 syndrome. In February, he was invited to speak to a Rotary club in Salem, Virginia. Talking in front of news cameras and rooms full of people was a lot to ask of his thimble, but not enough to stop him.
After the TV interview aired, Gehman received a Facebook message from a couple who鈥檇 seen it. Their 11-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with Asperger鈥檚, and they were curious if they might meet with him to hear more about what it鈥檚 like. They came and talked with him for an hour in the Commons. Gehman was thrilled at the opportunity to help the parents understand their daughter better. It feels great, he says. He uses the exact same words to describe his running, but there鈥檚 a difference.
鈥淩unning is something I do for me,鈥� he says. 鈥淭alking about my disability is something I can do for other people.鈥�
Ryan Gehman has known for nearly a decade now that running makes him feel good. He鈥檚 just now finding out that telling others about why that鈥檚 the case makes him feel even better.